Things I'll sell on Ebay

You can sell anything on E-Bay if you just attach a good story or celebrity name to it.

Everything from a cornflake shaped like Germany to Brittany Spears used McDonalds napkin fetches big bucks.

Recently I have been doing some housecleaning both at home and in my office and have come across a number of treasures that will go over big on Ebay and insure my comfortable retirement:

. The piece of rusted metal I fished out of the river that looks like a human poo and that has resided in my dresser drawer for 20 years (see my blog on pockets). I plan to romance this item a bit by saying it’s a calcified dropping from Davy Crockett. This is brilliant because it targets the affluent Baby Boomers. I am sure Davy must have passed through new Jersey at some point.

. While on this subject, I will also be offering the small metal statue of a defecating dog that I dug up in my front yard. I have yet to come up with a believable story as to why it was buried there in the first place. Kathie will really be glad to see it go because it has sat on top of my dresser for years, except for those periods when she has hidden it from me. I might even “bundle” these two items for the scatological collector.

. The Asian Stink Beetle that lives in my bathroom will also go high. I spotted this really primordial insect crawling up my mirror several weeks ago. Obviously, Kathie hasn’t seen it yet because it is still alive. By mere coincidence I learned from an article in the NY Times that it is an Asian Stink Beetle. These bugs are harmless, the Times reports, but if you squash one you will find out how it got its name. This will need some careful packaging. I think there is a real story here about how this lowly creature made its way from deepest Asia to my bathroom mirror. Animal adventure stories are really popular and this one is hard to beat. Disney might even be interested. How about “It Stinks to be Lost in New Jersey”?

. The autographed letter I have from former senator John Danforth thanking me for sending him a necktie is another treasure. I found this one in the office files. Unfortunately, I have no recollection of why I sent him a tie, but I think this item will go over big with aficionados of obscure Midwestern politicians.

.The Christmas shopping list from 1986 that I recently excavated from my wallet is money in the bank. Stories of lost documents that emerge from strange places capture people’s imaginations. Unbelievably, a Cabbage Patch Kid and a She Ra figure are both included on the list. This is really important documentation for collectors in these categories.

I think you will be reading more on this subject as I have yet to get to my closets or garage. I sense a bonanza and a second home in Florida.