Saturday, April 12, 2008

Irritable Male Syndrome

My niece informs me that I come across as grumpy in some of my blogs.

Frankly, I think this is a very insensitive thing to say when I may well be one of the millions of aging males afflicted with Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS). This disorder, which is also called Grumpy Old Man Disease by people like my niece, afflicts up to 30 per cent of the male population.

According to the one and only article I read by way of research for this post, stress and poor diet are linked to the ailment. One doctor suggests eating 3 to 5 times a day with an intake of 300-500 calories per meal. Well, duh, if I was stuffing my face five times a day I would have very little cause to be irritable.

Now if you think Irritable Male Syndrome sounds a lot like Irritable Bowel Syndrome that is not a coincidence, since IMS is the leading cause of IBS in women.

Another expert likens IMS to PMS (getting confused?). This is another sign the Good Lord has a sense of irony. Just as our spouses are emerging from their hormone induced crabby years, we aging males are entering ours. It’s also a good argument against May-December marriages. The convergence of IMS and PMS can strain the most solid trophy wife/old rich guy relationship.

I am sure there are warning signs for IMS, but I am too lazy to look them up, so I have made up a few:

. Your favorite form of salutation is “hey, nitwit.”
. You feel the irresistible urge to boo during church services.
. You think Dick Cheney smiles too much.
. You always feel like you’ve just caught your penis in your zipper.
. You start beeping and cursing before you’ve left your driveway.
. Even attractive women can piss you off.
. You think Howard Stern is nice.
. You believe waterboarding is an acceptable form of discipline in the elementary schools.

If you start to develop these forms of behavior, beware. You may be the next victim of this dreaded syndrome……or you may be becoming a Republican.

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