Friday, May 22, 2009

While I was Working

Sorry, I had to leave the room for awhile to go to work.

Three weeks ago, I started my temporary job as census worker.

I am not allowed to discuss what I do because Title 13 of the Privacy Act says that if I blab I will get 250,000 years in jail or a $7 fine. Maybe it’s the other way around. Anyway, you get it: loose lips sink ships.

Without getting specific, the job involves a great deal of stomping around with hand held computer and GPS device plotting where people live. It’s kind of fun in a way, but I have had my unsettling moments. I will have more to reveal when the statute of limitations expires.

It’s a pretty simple job actually, and the computer guides you along. Naturally, since this is the Federal Government, there is an 800 page training manual and 200 page handbook that we must carry with us at all times.

Speaking of scary, here is my favorite safety tip from the training manual: “As you walk towards your vehicle, scan beneath the vehicle for persons waiting to charge out at your ankles.” I think this constitutes an official recognition on the part of the Federal Government of the existence of elves. Now that this thought is planted in my head, each time I pull away from the curb I tense up awaiting the agonized death scream of a squished elf.

This is my first visit to my blog since I started working. As I am not allowed to talk about what I do, and since that is all I am doing, I don’t have much else to say.

I note, however, that there have been more visitors to my blog since I stopped writing. If this trend continues, I may stop altogether and really push this thing over the top. It’s almost like you guys decided that this isn’t a bad place to hang out now that Elvis left the building.

I still get dozens of visitors seeking info on George Clooney’s hair (see “George Clooney Stole My Haircut” and “George Clooney Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”). This is global phenomenon with people checking in from China, Madagascar, Korea and the Middle East. Curiously, there have been no inquiries from the land of my ancestors, Scandinavia.

I think this is because they are all natural blondes whose hair looks great all by itself, so they don’t give a crap what gloop Clooney puts on his pathetic mop.

Anyway, that’s it for now. I don’t know when I will be able to check in again. Not to worry, you seem to be doing fine without me.