Sunday, August 29, 2010

An Irritable Old Man's Theory of Humanity

(The author disclaims all responsibility for the crack-pot opinions expressed below)

With all of the intolerance on display surrounding the issues of the downtown New York Islamic Center and illegal immigration, I decided it was time for an irritable old man to weigh in.

After working and living for 65 years in the most diverse city on the planet, I have come to a conclusion about the human species: all people regardless of race, religion, nationality, gender, etc. are the same. Wait, it is not all good news.

Ninety percent of them are honest, hard working folks making their way in the world and trying to do the right thing. However, ten per cent of them are no-good-sons-of -bitches. The kind of people who would cut across your lawn to save a few steps on the sidewalk. Sons of bitches!! In a village of 50 people this is no big deal, i.e. five SOBs. Everyone knows who they are and acts accordingly (“Uh,Oh, here comes Yahudi. Lock up the chickens!)

In a planet of 6 billion people, however, this ratio yields 600 million of them. No wonder we are in trouble. This is more than the entire global population in the 18th century, and more than enough to populate every terrorist cell, law office, and executive suite in the world.

It gets worse, because you now have to add in the Village Idiot (VI) Factor. My theory posits that another 10 per cent of humanity is too stupid to get out of its own way. Once again, in a small village this is a manageable problem. (“Let’s not make Golub the town sanitation officer again. The last time, he emptied the commodes down the well.”)

But it is all about the numbers and over a 6 billion population this yields 600 million VI’s, more than enough to keep Oprah’s guest couch full, staff every DMV office in the world, and keep BP in employees for a generation.

So, VIs + SOBs = 1.2 billion people who are either stupid or nasty. And no, I don’t know why they all seem to be on the Long Island Expressway at the same time.

I know what you are thinking: Jerry, the number is probably a lot less because of those people who are both stupid and nasty. Well, excuse me, but to calculate that I would have to come up with some sort of like algebra formula and I flunked that in freshman year. On a spectrum, as they say in education, I am more toward the VI end than the SOB.

Still, I agree with the premise that there are large numbers of people who are both stupid and nasty.

That’s why they get such big turnouts at Tea Party rallies.