Thursday, February 25, 2010

More Snowy Thoughts

Here we go again: Snowmageddon, Deux.

Luckily, most of us survived the first one two weeks ago, but we are not likely to make it this time. Here we are supposed to get twenty inches with gale force winds. Run for your lives.

Housebound once again, I am more likely to die of boredom. Kathie is home today and cleaning closets and making to-do lists, so eventually I will be dragged from my hiding place and put to work.

If you are getting the impression that the only time I write to this page is when I am bored and have nothing else to do, you may be right.

So for now, in an effort to look busy and dodge hanging pictures in the living room, I am scanning the news on my AOL browser. You learn things here that you never see in the New York Times. At least you could learn them if you could just click on the headlines before they disappear. I, of course, cannot, so what information I can mine comes from the teasers. Here is a sampling

. TIGER WOODS IS A “SEX ADDICT.” Really? If I knew this was an option, I never would have settled for becoming an alcoholic.


. THREE THINGS YOU CAN DO FOR FLAKY LIPS. I can only think of two: don’t make strange remarks and don’t use the tube of lip balm your spouse cleaned the bathroom with. I’m stumped for a third.

. Speaking of stumps: WOMAN CAN’T STAND HER SHORT LEGS. The up side: she can apply lip balm to her floor without bending down.


. WOMAN SACRIFICES SWEETS FOR LENT. What is it about you women? It’s always about YOU. My legs are so short my jowls drag on the ground, but I’m not whining to AOL about it.

. NEWLY DISCOVERED DINOSAUR SWALLOWED FOOD WHOLE. I gave up swallowing my food whole for lent.

. JOHN MAYER RESUSCITATES REP WITH HELP FROM TWEEN. Huh? Someone named Mayer either saved his congressman with help from a twelve year old, or his under-age sweetheart dropped the statutory rape charge.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Snowy Thoughts

It is really snowing hard now. According to Weather Channel, and other hysterical news outlets, we are all about to die. Snowmaggedon is what they are calling it.

Washington, DC, is buried in the white stuff and the government has come to a virtual halt. I wonder at what point we average angry voters will notice that the government has come to a grinding halt? I thought the Party of No had accomplished that mission a long time ago.

Around here they are calling for 3 inches to a foot. That’s a lot of wiggle room. In the guy world that is the difference between stuffing your crotch with a sock and being a highly paid porn star.

Here’s a bulletin: they are just trying to scare us and keep us glued to our TV sets. I am not afraid of snow. I commuted through some doozies in my 35 years going into New York and got stranded more than once. Never as disastrously as a friend who was stuck on a bus in the Lincoln Tunnel with a gospel group that sang for 9 hours straight. He had a Castro Convertible put in his office the very next day.

It’s the same thing with Sarah Palin. She is all over the TV (not that I see her anymore since I blocked her with my parental controls) and the media is buzzing about the millions she is getting from Fox News to mount a serious presidential bid in 2012.

Now they have really succeeded in scaring me. Freezing to death in a snow drift sounds like a refreshing treat compared with being slowly rogued to death for 8 years. The plus side is maybe my future autobiographical memoir, “Goin’ ExPat”, will finally bump her's off the best seller list.

I just looked out the window and, if anything, it is snowing harder. Kathie’s school closed today so I know she is hiding somewhere here in the house. She knows that sooner or later I will find her and begin whining about how we wouldn’t have to put up with this if we moved to Florida. She doesn’t like Florida, and I do.

As I put on my hat, coat and gloves and shoulder my snow shovel on my way to reconnect us with civilization, I tip my tam to those elderly shovelers who gave their lives to keep their sidewalks safe for meter maids, defecating dogs, and skateboarders.

If I make it back alive, I will have a toddy. If I don’t, what the hell, at least I will never have to sit through President Palin’s State of the Union Address.