Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sandal Scandal

Well, I’m in trouble.

In my last blog, I launched into a major rant about the perils of sandals. (See August 6 post.)

Wouldn’t you know, I heard from the Sandal Manufacturers of America and Canada Association (SMACASS).

They accused me of making “anti-sandalian” remarks and jeopardizing the livelihood of the 8,000 people who work in the sandal industry. It couldn’t be more ironic that I should wind up in a pickle like this. In my former life I was head of a trade association that represented the necktie manufacturers. I was always belaboring some poor devil for “anti-tie” remarks. It shows to go you that what goes around comes around.

The Sandalnistas didn’t challenge my contention that people who REALLY can’t afford to fall, like mountain climbers, tight rope walkers, and high iron workers, don’t wear sandals, but countered that the founders of most of the world’s major religions were sandal wearers. They pointed out that nowhere in the copious religious texts is there any reference to any of the Holy Ones taking a digger. I said this doesn’t prove anything since their disciples would not include such an event fearing the believers might interpret it as a Fall from Grace.

They took issue with my contention that New Jersey was passing a helmet law for sandal wearers. Okay, I made it up. But, in my defense, it’s not like I actually do any research for these blogs.

They also didn’t like my blaming the Fall of Rome on the fact that its occupants were wearing sandals at the time. They countered that Roman soldiers wore sandals and conquered the known world. Hold on a sec. Most of the people they were conquering were barefoot and painted their asses blue, so of course the Romans were one up on them foot tech wise. However, as soon as the Ostrogoths, Vandals, Huns and such showed up in their hobnail boots, they put a major stomping on the legionnaires’ exposed digits. (Readers caution: I have no idea if any of these tribes wore hob nail boots (what is a hob nail anyway?), but they sound like something a barbarian would invent.)

Anyway, we ended the conversation on amicable terms. I said that since only two people read this blog and I have seen the light and my wife wears sandals anyway, the 8,000 workers’ jobs are safe until all of the SMACASS members move their factories to China.

I stood firm on the Flip-Flop issue, however. I am spearheading an Advertising Council effort to acquaint consumers with the dangers of this odious footwear. Our motto is going to be “Flip-Flops: First You Flip, Then You Flop.” Catchy, huh?

We are going to have leading medicos link flip-flop wearing with the dreaded Flat Face Syndrome. We are trying to line up the Clintons as our spokespeople, since ….well, you get it.

The sandal manufacturers haven’t heard the last from me. I’ve dug in my heels.

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