My Teeny Weenie Carbon Footprint

I am kind of proud of the fact that when it comes to carbon footprints, I have very small piggies.

Believe me though it has taken lots of hard work and planning to achieve this diminutive status.

I have stopped mowing the lawn. In the first place, the knee-high grass and dandelions are madly pumping out or sucking up carbon dioxide…whichever it is they are supposed to do that is helpful. Plus the gas I save by not running the mower is enough to keep Donald Trump’s jet in the air for at least two weeks.

I have started rooting for the New York Knicks. Since they were mathematically eliminated in January, this has freed me from running the TV through the interminable NBA playoffs. This year, I expect a similar return on my investment in the Yankees and the Jets.

I am also drinking more alcoholic beverages. This not only eases the stress of worrying about my carbon footprint, but also renders me inert so that I am not stomping about with my big toxic shoes.

Unemployment is another thing that has worked for me. By not driving to the train station, generating bales of useless paper at the office, and throwing money around on irresponsible things like food and clothes, I am lifting a big weight off Mother Earth’s shoulders. It will get even better when the utilities shut us down.

Getting old is also a good strategy. Just the thought of chopping down a tropical rain forest or strip mining a national park makes me tired. I think with the average age of the global population climbing, a lot of countries are going to be too worn out to bother with industrial growth or military competition. Let the kids do it.

Here’s a tip that may sound counter-intuitive: smoke cigars on the front porch. I know what you are thinking: “Smoking cigars puts all kind of bad things into the atmosphere, and besides that’s your solution for everything.”

True, but the trade-off is by sitting on your butt for an hour and a half watching the world go by you are saving valuable resources and will make the world a better place for your grandkids. Pretty heroic and self-sacrificing, I would say.

It’s been tough but if my efforts can fuel one more episode of American Idol or one more week of the Democratic Primaries, it will be worth it.