Tuesday, February 17, 2009

George Clooney Doesn't Live Here Anymore

I have had a significant surge in readership lately.

My first thought was that with everyone out of work, people have more time to spend reading inane blogs. I was sure every blogger benefited from this, since a rising tide raises all blogs. However, an analysis of Site Meter revealed that all of the new readers arrived at my site by Googling the words “George Clooney hair”, or some variation thereof.

This took them to my post entitled “George Clooney Stole My Haircut.” Even though I am sure they didn’t stick around, I was glad they stopped by. Still I am puzzled that so many people would be Googling for info on Clooney’s hair with a persistence that would take them through twenty pages of results before they came to my reference.

Then my Inner Cynic weighed in: “Wise up. I am sure every part of Clooney’s anatomy is Googled thousands of times a day.”

He suggested that I test his hypothesis by Googling “George Clooney lower intestine.”
“I am sure you will find a You Tube video of his most recent colonoscopy,” he said.

Wrong, Oh Wise Ass! All that came up were several bloggers who compared sitting through a Clooney movie with getting a colonoscopy. Not that those young twerps would have a clue. Take it from the voice of experience: any Clooney movie is better than a colonoscopy. However, I wouldn’t quibble with anyone who would prefer the procedure to this blog.

Oddly, a sponsored link offered me one free minute to search for George Colon. I almost bit, but decided he couldn’t be that well hidden if it would only take a minute to find him. Besides, I have better things to do than prowl the bowels of the internet in search of Mr. Colon.

Another link high on the page took me to a story about how George was grieving the death of his pet pig; an animal that slept with him for eighteen years at his Hollywood mansion. I didn’t finish the article for fear I might stumble upon the reference to the lower intestine of either Mr. Clooney or his dead pig.

I feel badly for the all the legitimate Cloonian scholars, who while seeking to expand humanity’s understanding of the great man’s hair, have wasted valuable research minutes by becoming entangled in this content deprived blog.

However, I have no sympathy to waste on those who arrived here seeking to copy the coiffeur that George and I apparently share. To those pathetic wretches I say: Get a Howie Mandel and leave us alone!

Of course, the down side of posting this blog is that every low life and sleaze ball seeking the scoop on Clooney’s lower intestine or his relationship with his deceased pig will wind up here. To them I say: welcome, new readers.

4 comments:

Mary Lois said...

George Clooney is so five years ago. Get your hair cut like Nick Jonas.

Jerry Andersen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jerry Andersen said...

Actually, I deleted my own comment, by accident. Now it looks like someone said something bad and then took it back. In response to Mary Lois: I will continue to wear my hair like Clooney until he says uncle.

George Clooney said...

Uncle.